The Sandwich Story

I've been repeating this unbelievable tale so much, I figured I'd post it here as well in case you missed it. This is a tale of society's principals(or there lack of) and the degree people will go to for something they want. The story pertains to a friend from work who I will refer to as "Frances."

Frances is a portly middle aged woman who almost always has an upbeat attitude. I wouldn't consider her religious, but worldly spiritual if that makes sense. I respect and applaud her optimistic outlook on life. One day I see her walk in with an enraged look of disgust on her face. I immediately knew something was awry. When I inquire what was the matter, she replies, "that asshole at 7-11 pissed me the fuck off." She begins to reveal the sordid details of her encounter that morning.

Frances stopped at a local convenient store to purchase a particular sandwich she had grown fond of. At the very moment she reaches for the sandwich, a man grasps for it as well. They continue to both clench the sandwich anticipating the other will let go. In a moment of frustration, Frances crushes the sandwich in hopes the man will relent. No words are ever exchanged in the confrontation but it's clear the man will not back down. Squished or not, he is determined to get the sandwich! Frances finally complies and loosens her grip. The triumphant man arrogantly retorts, "I'm sure you'll find something else to eat!" That smart ass remark sent Frances into a fit of rage! She immediately hikes up her skirt with no panties underneath and replies, "EAT THIS BITCH!" She then ran out of the store in defeat.

Side note:
Frances was admitted to the emergency room two days later due to a Sebaceous Cysts on her labia. Which means she had a clogged gland on her nether region that began to swell and needed to be cut open to release fluid. Apparently, this is a common procedure that is akin to popping a zit.

Not only was Frances in an agitated mood from the discomfort in her body, but she flashed an unsuspecting man her swollen vagina over a 7-11 sandwich.

Top Five Directors

I guess I could consider myself a bit of a film buff. People always ask me what are my favorite movies of all time. It's such a tough decision. The movie I watch most often is CADDYSHACK. It's probably the funniest movie I've ever seen and if you disagree I will arm wrestle you! I love so many different genres, it's just so hard to pick a handful of films so I'm gonna give you my favorite directors. These are the directors who's commentaries I will listen to repeatedly and obsessively. I'd do almost anything to be in one of their films. I will watch pretty much anything they put out even without knowing anything about it. So without further adieu:

Jim Jarmusch
Hands down, Jarmusch is the king of cool. His style seems so effortless. He's like the Thurston Moore of film. My personal favorite is COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.I love the episode of Bored to Death he was in. Jarmusch can even make Roberto Benigni seem cool.


David Lynch
David Lynch has managed to create a genre unto himself. You don't really know what to expect when you get into a Lynch film. You do know it will be weird, confusing, sexy, and captivating. I sat in a crowded theatre on opening night for over three hours watching INLAND EMPIRE and I still have no clue what I witnessed. I never get tired of watching Twin Peaks, but I have to say my favorite Lynch film is WILD AT HEART. I'm an Elvis girl.


Cameron Crowe
I know you're thinking WTF, but hear me out. Crowe is an amazing storyteller and the voice of a generation filled with angst. He relates to young people in a way Gus Van Sant wishes he could. He was originally a music journalist so his soundtracks always kick ass. ALMOST FAMOUS is my favorite but I do have a soft spot for SAY ANYTHING. What can I say? The estrogen in me makes me predisposed to Lloyd Dobler.


Takashi Miike
Miike has single handedly changed the face of horror. Only he can fuse humor and violence into a mind blowing work of art. He often cites horror greats like Hooper and Carpenter as influences. However, no current filmmaker compares to his breathtaking style. My favorite is AUDITION, not for the faint of heart.


Quentin Tarantino
"When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, no, I went to films." -QT
I have this crazy idea that if I ever met QT, we would become best friends. I have nothing but respect for someone so passionate about film. His style feels so enjoyable and mesmerizing. And it's all done without crazy special effects or $400 million. QT is like the Scorsese of our time. A lot of people criticized him for "ripping off" various Asian and Italian directors and I don't believe it for a minute. He's only paying tribute to those amazing directors and introducing a whole new generation to Fulci or Park Chan-Wook. What can I say? He's an Elvis man.

When I grow up

What did you want to be when you grow up?

My first ideal occupation became an obsession for me as a child. From the time I can remember to about middle school I wanted to be an archaeologist. Like many other small children, I was fascinated by dinosaurs and mummies. Ancient dead things were so much more intriguing than real people. When you're shy and awkward, digging up the past is a lot more soothing than being social.

Eventually, I became interested in acting. I had dreams about appearing in episodes of Unsolved Mysteries, seriously. Who wouldn't want to re-enact various crimes of passion or hauntings?! The idea of briefly becoming someone else sounded so appealing. Again being shy and awkward made it uncomfortable being in my own skin.

Later as a teen, I became more confident with myself. I wanted to try my hand at theatre. It just felt like the most revered form of entertainment. Then I got to college and realized I am not a "theatre person." I did not have the over the top personality that comes with being in that business. The dramatic reputation prevented me from actually enjoying the theatre.

Here I am back at the drawing board again. Still unsure of what I want, where I want to be, and who I want to become. I know what I don't want if that makes any difference.

sxsw 2010

Some of you who know me well remember my annual sxsw recap blogs. It was usually a vague synopsis of drunken misadventures. Things that I would now consider somewhat embarrassing like the time I stabbed Bad Sean, or the time I yelled "Hey Frodo, give me a cigarette!" to Elijah Wood(he actually did). And let's not forget that time I punched a guy in the face during Dashboard Confessional. I decided a few months ago I wouldn't attend sxsw this year. I just felt burnt out on the whole novelty. Of course I couldn't stay away. This year was completely different. With the exception of nearly getting run over by a soccer mom in a Lexus suv, nothing outrageous occurred. It's amazing how much one can get done when you are not belligerent. And when did Joseph Gordon-Levitt become the new "former child actor turned indie darling?" At least it isn't a drug addiction. Sorry Frodo there's a new man child in town!

Here's a few highlights from my week:

Darker My Love
I'm not a big fan of the term psychedelic. To me it exudes elitist rock that only middle aged men appreciate. Yes, they do have a very 60s vibe, but it's a little edgy. They first caught my attention a while back as the new project of former members of the Nerve Agents. I also have a soft spot for anyone who names their band after one of the greatest TSOL songs. I saw them a few years ago at sxsw and they totally blew me away. When I saw them this year at Red Eyed Fly, they were even better than last time! I love this guy's voice, it's so captivating.

Evening Rig
How did Minneapolis become a musical goldmine? This band draws many comparisons to The Replacements and I suppose that will happen with any band who shares the same area code as Paul Westerberg. If anything there may be a few similarities to Westerberg's country twang solo abums. As former members of Cadillac Blindside and The Crush it makes sense that they have "that Minneapolis sound." However, they're not really punk and they're not really country. Jason Miller has written some of the best lyrics I've ever heard. I got to see them play to a small crowd at Liberty and it was awesome.


Billy Bragg
I've been fortunate enough not only to meet Billy Bragg but to see him perform on several occasions. Each time is incredible and reminds me why I need to fight the good fight. His witty banter between songs is both endearing and motivating. How can he simultaneously write some of the greatest love songs AND inspiring political songs. His set at the Mess With Texas show was wonderful. He played to probably the most progressive collection of people in town that whole week.


Cheap Trick
What more can be said than IT'S CHEAP FUCKING TRICK!? They played a nice long set at Auditorium Shores. Not only did they throw out the hits, but also a touching tribute to Alex Chilton with "In the Street." The icing on the cake was when they came out for an encore and played my favorite tune "The Flame." It made my whole week!

Mariachi El Bronx
I got to hand it to The Bronx. For a bunch of white dudes who play mariachi music, they actually pull it off. I almost like this project better than the regular Bronx. Can someone enlighten me on the white dude's fascination with the hispanic culture? They're bewitched by our food, beer, music, and most of all women. Just curious not that there's anything wrong with that.


Here's some tips in case you want to ever attend sxsw:

1. Do NOT wear your badge at non badge functions. This is usually an unspoken rule, but this year I saw several offenders. Wearing your badge to non badge functions says two things about you. Number one- "I have money to throw around so PLEASE rob me." or number two- " I sort of work in the music industry but don't know anything about music, I just wanted to brag that I saw Muse for the 10th time." PS- Muse sucks.

2. Do NOT let people stay at your house for sxsw ever! I know this sounds really harsh since most of us have at least one friend in town visiting. Trust me on this one. It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself the whole week let alone someone who doesn't even know what time zone they're in. Things get really crazy and the last thing you need is to babysit. Someone is bound to ask you for a place to crash so just respectfully tell them there is no room at the inn.

3. Do NOT forget to tip! Yeah that Lone Star tall boy might be free but the guy serving it to you isn't hanging out for his health unless the bartender is Bill Murray. Yeah you don't live here but have some respect for the people who do. The bartenders work their ass off all week long and a buck here and there isn't gonna kill you.

I hope you guys had as much fun and maybe, just maybe I'll see you next year. I just wish I could have seen QT. PS-The steady diet of bar food did catch up with me in the end.

I'm in love with that song

I never understood why Big Star never got huge. If you haven't heard them, I highly suggest checking out their catalog. I mean they were such a major influence on music. Their catchy pop songs changed the face of indie/alternative music. I was very excited to hear about them playing for the first time in years at sxsw. I guess it just wasn't meant to be because today I hear that Alex Chilton has died of a heart attack. Now he really will be a legend.



I wish Paul Westerberg would write a song about me.


THE REPLACEMENTS - Alex Chilton
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Bye Corey

Say what you will about Corey Haim. As an actor, he brought a lot of joy to anyone who came of age in the 80s. He taught me to not fear vampires, he made me want a Mercedes instead of a BMW, and most of all he taught me to "Dream A Little Dream"! Here's a little something from the peak of his career. He will be missed!

mixtape of life

Have you ever wondered what the mixtape to your life will be? It's been on my mind a lot lately. Here's a few gems i've picked up along the way so far.

My birth
Hands down "Love Me Tender" by The King. It's the song my daddy used to sing to me as long as I can remember. He even got me a little music box that played it for me when he was gone.


My death
I've always been a bit unconventional therefore, my funeral will be the same. What better way to go out than to have Queen & David Bowie sing "Under Pressure" while your coffin is being lowered into the ground. What a victorious song for a closing curtain.


My adolescence
My mother worked a lot when I was young. She would drop me off at her friend's home who was a secretary at the catholic school I attended each morning at 6:00am. I'd sit and eat my ziploc bag of dried cereal and watch TV until it was time to carpool to school. We didn't have cable at home so I was psyched to be watching the Flintstones Kids and music videos all morning. I was at the age when music started to become more relevant in my life. New Order's Republic had just came out and "Regret" was the best song I had ever heard. I still relate to that song more than anything else I can think of. All my friends were listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, RHCP, Soundgarden, etc. I couldn't relate to that stuff, it was so angry. I wanted to hear silly songs by The Cure, New Order, and Moz. I had no idea how important New Order was or who the hell Joy Division was for that matter. All I knew was that I was in love with that song for the rest of my life.


dating
I can correlate nearly every Jawbreaker song to a certain relationship or former flame in my life. At this point, I have nothing but fond memories of those times because they were good lessons learned. I curse Blake for making me fantasize about the same kind of heartache and pain he went through. However, I'm grateful he continues to seduce me with his witty lyrics. The song that started it all was "Want." I'll never forget the boy in 8th grade who called me and played that song over the phone. If I knew then what I know now about love, I would've hung up the phone a long time ago.


Friendship
The Descendents are the kind of band that make people connect. When you're flipping through someone's record collection/secretly judging them and you find "I Don't Want To Grow Up" it's like an epiphany. You know this person has felt the same as you before. You know they're kind of weird and awkward just like you. I have the best memories singing along to "Hope" on long road trips with my friends. Then I actually got to drive Houston in the spring of 1997 not only to see them play, but meet them as well. Your Descendents friends are the kind of people you want to hold on to for the rest of your life.


Man, I could go on and on, but I'll stop right here because my mixtape is just beginning. There's so much more to come.