Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Sandwich Story

I've been repeating this unbelievable tale so much, I figured I'd post it here as well in case you missed it. This is a tale of society's principals(or there lack of) and the degree people will go to for something they want. The story pertains to a friend from work who I will refer to as "Frances."

Frances is a portly middle aged woman who almost always has an upbeat attitude. I wouldn't consider her religious, but worldly spiritual if that makes sense. I respect and applaud her optimistic outlook on life. One day I see her walk in with an enraged look of disgust on her face. I immediately knew something was awry. When I inquire what was the matter, she replies, "that asshole at 7-11 pissed me the fuck off." She begins to reveal the sordid details of her encounter that morning.

Frances stopped at a local convenient store to purchase a particular sandwich she had grown fond of. At the very moment she reaches for the sandwich, a man grasps for it as well. They continue to both clench the sandwich anticipating the other will let go. In a moment of frustration, Frances crushes the sandwich in hopes the man will relent. No words are ever exchanged in the confrontation but it's clear the man will not back down. Squished or not, he is determined to get the sandwich! Frances finally complies and loosens her grip. The triumphant man arrogantly retorts, "I'm sure you'll find something else to eat!" That smart ass remark sent Frances into a fit of rage! She immediately hikes up her skirt with no panties underneath and replies, "EAT THIS BITCH!" She then ran out of the store in defeat.

Side note:
Frances was admitted to the emergency room two days later due to a Sebaceous Cysts on her labia. Which means she had a clogged gland on her nether region that began to swell and needed to be cut open to release fluid. Apparently, this is a common procedure that is akin to popping a zit.

Not only was Frances in an agitated mood from the discomfort in her body, but she flashed an unsuspecting man her swollen vagina over a 7-11 sandwich.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Top Five Directors

I guess I could consider myself a bit of a film buff. People always ask me what are my favorite movies of all time. It's such a tough decision. The movie I watch most often is CADDYSHACK. It's probably the funniest movie I've ever seen and if you disagree I will arm wrestle you! I love so many different genres, it's just so hard to pick a handful of films so I'm gonna give you my favorite directors. These are the directors who's commentaries I will listen to repeatedly and obsessively. I'd do almost anything to be in one of their films. I will watch pretty much anything they put out even without knowing anything about it. So without further adieu:

Jim Jarmusch
Hands down, Jarmusch is the king of cool. His style seems so effortless. He's like the Thurston Moore of film. My personal favorite is COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.I love the episode of Bored to Death he was in. Jarmusch can even make Roberto Benigni seem cool.

David Lynch
David Lynch has managed to create a genre unto himself. You don't really know what to expect when you get into a Lynch film. You do know it will be weird, confusing, sexy, and captivating. I sat in a crowded theatre on opening night for over three hours watching INLAND EMPIRE and I still have no clue what I witnessed. I never get tired of watching Twin Peaks, but I have to say my favorite Lynch film is WILD AT HEART. I'm an Elvis girl.

Cameron Crowe
I know you're thinking WTF, but hear me out. Crowe is an amazing storyteller and the voice of a generation filled with angst. He relates to young people in a way Gus Van Sant wishes he could. He was originally a music journalist so his soundtracks always kick ass. ALMOST FAMOUS is my favorite but I do have a soft spot for SAY ANYTHING. What can I say? The estrogen in me makes me predisposed to Lloyd Dobler.

Takashi Miike
Miike has single handedly changed the face of horror. Only he can fuse humor and violence into a mind blowing work of art. He often cites horror greats like Hooper and Carpenter as influences. However, no current filmmaker compares to his breathtaking style. My favorite is AUDITION, not for the faint of heart.

Quentin Tarantino
"When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, no, I went to films." -QT
I have this crazy idea that if I ever met QT, we would become best friends. I have nothing but respect for someone so passionate about film. His style feels so enjoyable and mesmerizing. And it's all done without crazy special effects or $400 million. QT is like the Scorsese of our time. A lot of people criticized him for "ripping off" various Asian and Italian directors and I don't believe it for a minute. He's only paying tribute to those amazing directors and introducing a whole new generation to Fulci or Park Chan-Wook. What can I say? He's an Elvis man.