Oscars in Review

Alas, the Oscars have come and gone. The annual party was quit the success and by success I mean I got drunk and predicted fifteen out of twenty-four awards correctly. Spike's formal attire was a hit as well as the vege treats I made. After the Oscars, it seems there is a lull in film. You get a few good ones here and there then the shitty summer blockbusters hit. Don't get me started on that. Today I would like to reflect on this years award show.




I was pleasantly surprised to see how swift and smooth things ran. Sure Billy Crystal is ancient and dull, but his flat routine was a joy compared to Franco & Bland Hathaway. I still think Natalie Portman should get her Oscar revoked for her association with Episode 1-3. Even the speeches were pretty short & sweet. I was incredibly disappointed to see PARADISE LOST 3 lose to a Friday Night Lights ripoff. It just proves that middle-aged white men love football way more than uncovering injustices in the legal system. I can't imagine why?

Of course I was unhappy to see Gary Oldman lose Best Actor, but in my heart I already knew he would not win. His talent is not judged by an award, but by his incredible, long-standing career. He built the mold for method acting and paved the way for people like Christian Bale, Guy Pierce, Daniel Day Lewis, Ed Norton, and Adrien Brody. Oldman has an even longer career ahead of him and will undoubtedly be recognized down the line. Remember, Al Pacino only received his Oscar in 1992 for SCENT OF A WOMAN. That is twenty years after his legendary role in THE GODFATHER. He received what they call a "career Oscar" because let's face it, SCENT OF A WOMAN was a terrible film.



Even Meryl Streep is aware of all the player haters out there. In her acceptance speech she noted that:

"When they called my name I’d had this feeling I could hear half of America going 'oh no…oh c’mon…why…her…again?' But whatever."

Yeah she has like fifty nominations and three statues, but the woman earned them. I guarantee most of these naysayers have yet to see SOPHIE'S CHOICE or KRAMER VS KRAMER. She earned those awards and her talent is boundless. I am more impressed that her brilliance has spanned decades. Meryl always chooses hefty roles. It's inspiring to see such a proficient actress consistently be a leading lady without having to compromise her integrity. She's never had to pose for Playboy or Joan Rivers her face to stay relevant in Hollywood which many actresses unfortunately resort to. Haters gonna hate.



I am surprised to see how many people belittle THE ARTIST for all the awards it received. I suspect many of those critics didn't even see it in the first place. THE ARTIST is an incredible film. People complained it was redundant due to the fact that it was a silent film and in black & white. I think it was the absolute opposite! THE ARTIST celebrates film of the past and future. It's a nod to the beginning of cinema by showcasing all the elements of film we often forget about. It reminds us that music, plot, and emotions play a huge role in creating a film. We only remember this when you remove dialogue and color. THE ARTIST also shows us the future of film and where we can take it.



We forget that film is not just entertainment, it is an art form. We've become so used to big budget bullshit with explosions and sparkly vampires, that we dismiss the true elements that make up a film. Why should we settle for mindless dribble? I think Americans are too distracted by reality TV, CGI effects, and 3D glitz to realize the true art of film. Other countries champion those components which is exactly why France swept the Oscars with THE ARTIST while TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON took home the Razzie.



And then there's Uggie! They say never work with animals or children. I read somewhere that the Academy didn't want Uggie to attend the Oscars. Why, you ask!? Because they didn't want a dog to get so much attention. If they can let a couple hacks like JLo and Jonah Hill on the red carpet why not Uggie! They even let Nick Nolte roam around without a leash. Uggie had a huge role in the film and appeared in almost every scene, yet Gloria Stuart was nominated for her role in TITANIC. A role that only entailed a few minutes of screen time. I think we need to recognize the importance of dogs in our lives. They're not just pets, they're companions (as seen in THE ARTIST). Dogs have so much character and charm. I'll admit, I'm a sucker for movies starring dogs and obviously the Academy is not. I must declare the Academy dogist!



Ok, before I go on and on about dogs, I am going to wrap up this post. I hope everyone had a great time watching the Oscars. And if you haven't seen THE ARTIST, I suggest you go to the theater as soon as possible. Watching it on DVD will do no justice to the beautiful score. Also, check out PARADISE LOST 3, A SEPARATION, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS, BULLHEAD, THE TREE OF LIFE, and TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY. See you next year!

2012 Oscar Predictions

It's that time again! I love Oscar season so much. I love it more than Christmas; it's a lot less disappointing. This year offers some interesting nominations. Often times, I think I've really got an idea of who's gonna win and then poof; you get upsets like Heath Ledger or Melissa Leo. Last year, I was certain David Fincher was taking the Oscar for directing THE SOCIAL NETWORK, but it went to David O'Russell for THE KING'S SPEECH. Don't get me wrong, THE KING'S SPEECH was great, but Fincher deserves an Oscar for the incredible catalog he's given us. He might just be the new Scorsese as far as waiting three decades to finally get recognized.


I think my problem is that I get so passionate about my personal favorites, my judgement gets clouded when it comes to how the Academy will vote. I had a near perfect record only once in my Oscar watching career; it was the year CRASH swept the Academy Awards. Since then, my picks have been so so when it comes to the technical awards and screenplays. This year, I will try to put aside my personal opinion and think like a true Academy member. By the way, what does one have to do to become an Academy member? Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty qualified.

OK, here goes nothing:


BEST PICTURE
Well, this is a no brainer. THE ARTIST will pick this one up as well as a few other categories. It's a wonderful film that I actually saw again this past weekend. The music is outstanding which you would expect since it is a silent film. But, nothing compares to the adorable Jack Russell terrier, Uggie, who has won everyone's heart. Seriously, that dog is amazing and I can't wait to see him in a little tux come Sunday. If you haven't seen this film yet, I suggest to watch it in a theater to really appreciate the score. THE ARTIST is definitely the big contender this season. Too bad Lars Von Trier shot himself in the foot last year and pretty much sealed his fate when it came time to nominate MELANCHOLIA. Such a beautiful film was unfortunately marred by petty controversy which the Academy tends to frown upon. I guarantee you MELANCHOLIA was better than half the nominees in this category. I mean come on, WAR HORSE?


BEST DIRECTOR
Some people are saying Scorsese has a shot at this one, but I really think it's gonna be THE ARTIST's Michel Hazanavicius who takes the statue. Sure Hazanavicius is a relatively unknown director from France, but THE ARTIST has made such a huge impact in the film world. I'm a big Scorsese fan, yet I still haven't seen HUGO. A family, adventure, dramatic film just doesn't appeal to me even if it came from the mind that brought us GOODFELLAS. I'm sure I will catch it on DVD at some point, but I just don't have any interest in seeing it immediately. I could be wrong, please let me know otherwise! My final answer is still Hazanavicius

BEST ACTOR
It pains me to write this section. I was completely shocked to find out that this was Gary Oldman's first nomination ever! I was certain that he had at least six Oscars by now! How can Anna Paquin have an Oscar at the age of twelve, but one of the greatest actors of our time just now got nominated? I've always loved Oldman. Since the day I saw him on the big screen as Dracula I've been enchanted by his good looks, great hair, and his remarkable acting style. I recently read an interview where he talks about his long career and current nomination. Here's an excerpt from it:

When you read a script, what makes you want to do a film?

It can be many things. It normally is the material and the director. But I can give you a specific example. When I read the script for "Dracula," it had a line in it, he said, "I've crossed oceans of time to find you," I wanted to do the movie for that line. I wanted to say that line to someone. I just thought that was an amazing line, and I thought, Who wouldn't want to say that to someone they loved? And that hooked me.

That line is my absolute favorite line from any film I have ever seen in my life. My cold, little, black, goth heart just melts when he gazes into Winona's eyes and utters that little phrase. You see Gary and I are on the same page, so why can't the Academy get on that page too? All my research so far has led me to believe that Clooney is taking the Oscar even though he already got one in 2006 and this is his seventh nomination. Yeah, the dude from Roseanne has an Oscar. Also, Michael Fassbender was robbed of a nomination in this category for SHAME. The joke is on everyone else because he has his own Oscar that's bigger than any Academy member if you know what I mean.


BEST ACTRESS
There's some pretty weak competition when it comes to this category. My research has narrowed it down to Viola Davis for THE HELP or Meryl Streep for THE IRON LADY. I'm gonna go with Meryl even though she gets a fucking Oscar every two years or so. People really like political dramas possibly even more than civil rights films which is why I think Meryl has it this time. However, as much as I despise Kirsten Dunst and her tiny whale teeth she should have been thrown a bone for MELANCHOLIA. I have to admit she showed some serious acting chops in that film.



BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh, Nick Nolte, Christopher Plummer, Max Von Sydow, and Jonah Hill...tell me which one doesn't quite fit in. Another travesty is the fact that Sergio Leone was never even nominated for an Oscar , but the fat kid from SUPERBAD is. Not that he has a chance of winning. This category is going to Christopher Plummer. I would love to see Max Von Sydow, whom I loved in THE EXORCIST and THE SEVENTH SEAL win. Shame on the Academy for nominating Johan Hill! He should be penalized for GET HIM TO THE GREEK and not rewarded for some Brad Pitt movie. If anyone deserved a nomination more than Jonah Hill in this category it was Uggie from THE ARTIST. He was robbed!


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
All newbies in this category. The reason why I don't think THE HELP will get Best Actress is because I think it will get Best Supporting Actress with Octavia Spencer. I have no personal preference for this category. I'm already bored with this category so I'm moving on.

BEST FOREIGN FILM
So much buzz and momentum has built around A SEPARATION that it has to win this category. It's the first Iranian film to win a BAFTA and a Golden Globe. This is definitely a shoe-in. I would love to see Alamo Drafthouse distributed film BULLHEAD win, but that's just not going to happen. By the way, A SEPARATION is currently playing at The Arbor theater if you wanna see it.


BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Who cares?

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
I love Woody Allen even though he's a pretentious prick. He makes delightful films that really capture the human spirit whether it be good or bad. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS was really clever and engaging. I really enjoy reading so I just loved all the literary references and characters in this film. Didn't Adrien Brody make a great Dali? And Carla Bruni was absolutely charming. My bet is that MIDNIGHT IN PARIS is taking this one.


BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Lots of people didn't really get TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY so as much as I'd like to see it take this category, I doubt it will happen. Instead, people want to see Clooney, the self proclaimed bachelor portray a struggling parent. I think THE DESCENDANTS will take the Oscar in this category, but whatever.


BEST DOCUMENTARY
At first I thought PARADISE LOST 3didn't stand a chance with all the controversy surrounding the case. Now, I'm beginning to think it has the best odds. Of course I am completely biased since I have closely followed the West Menphis 3 case for several years and I really liked the first two installments of PARADISE LOST. We finally get to see Damien, Jesse, and and Jason on the red carpet instead of behind bars. That's a very surreal thing to think about. I believe PARADISE LOST 3 will win nonetheless.


BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Again, if MELANCHOLIA was nominated it would have swept this category. That film was just beautifully stunning. Since it was systematically left out, I choose THE TREE OF LIFE. While it was also exquisitely shot, it pales in comparison to MELANCHOLIA. The whole big bang sequence in TREE OF LIFE was pretty astounding.


Well, there you have it folks, there's my predictions. Feel free to tell me what your picks are. We shall find out the results next Sunday. See you at the party!

Deal Breakers

I recently read an article on Badass Digest about movie deal breakers. As in, things that influence a person to never watch a certain film based on these conditions. Feel free to call me a film snob because I have several deal breakers. I have already devoted an entire post to my hatred for remakes. Apparently, this sentiment seems to resound among other film fans.I watch about 15-20 films a month on average so I do not have time to waste on rubbish I have no interest in like the latest romantic comedy (I hate ALL romantic comedies.) starring Katherine Heigl. For me when it comes to film, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. I know what I like & I know what I don't like. If that makes me a snob, then so be it! Here are a few of my deal breakers and examples of those deal breakers. This is all a matter of opinion; I don't expect anyone else to totally agree with me. Like everything else, there's exceptions to the rule. Feel free to air your own grievances.

Fish out of water
The fish out of water theme is a formula that will not die. This film scenario is almost painful for me to watch and I find it a bit offensive because of the stereotypes it perpetuates. Sure it's lighthearted fun, but let's look at the bigger picture. It mostly exists in comedies which means in the end, the metaphorical fish will finally "fit in." Until then, he/she will be a bumbling goof for the audience to have a good laugh at. This theme also plays on society's masochistic need to humiliate nonconformists. Some examples of atrocious fish out of water films include, but are not limited to: CROCODILE DUNDEE, BORAT, BIG, THREE MEN & A BABY, SPLASH, PRETTY WOMAN, and BIG DADDY. Sometimes the fish out of water theme can work with a great script and great directing like LOST IN TRANSLATION or EDWARD SCISSORHANDS. It can even win you an Oscar like MY COUSIN VINNY did for Marisa Tomei.


British Comedy
I know I'm gonna offend some people with this section. I'm sorry, but I hate British Comedy. Actually, I'm not sorry. I've tried at various times in my life to give British Comedy a try and each time I am thoroughly disappointed. I have never like the MONTY PYTHON franchise. I absolutely abhorred SEAN OF THE DEAD and all subsequent films from that team. I just do not find this genre funny or even mildly humorous. To be fair, I am not really a big fan of American Comedies or even Comedies in general. I have trouble with people who are intentionally trying to be clever. It just feels so forced to me. Don't get me started on Saturday Night Live and the films that include SNL cast members. That may have to be a whole other deal breaker!


Musicals
There's really not much to explaining this deal breaker. I just really fucking hate people breaking out in song. I actually haven't really seen too many musical films; the trailers alone make me cringe. The funny thing is that I don't mind actual musical plays. I've seen a few Broadway shows in New York that were entertaining. However, I'd rather watch paint dry than sit through the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA movie, or CHICAGO, HAIRSPRAY, BURLESQUE, ANNIE, XANADU, MAMA MIA, NINE, SWEENEY TODD (not even Johnny Depp could save that turd) MOULIN ROUGE (actually anything by Baz Luhrmann), FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, and especially fucking Glee. I do love the Buffy musical episode so I'm a big ball of contradictory.


The Body Swap
Ah, the old body swap formula is another theme that gets tossed around when Hollywood runs out of ideas. It runs pretty parallel to fish out of water themes. With the exception of BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, this idea never works. How often do you hear people walking out of a theater raving about THE HOT CHICK, FACE/OFF, 18 AGAIN, 13 GOING ON 30, VICE VERSA, or THE CHANGE-UP? These movies are usually geared towards children or tweens since they're the only people who don't know any better. Lindsay Lohan's career was founded on the body swap scenario with the FREAKY FRIDAY & PARENT TRAP remakes. The last one she did was JUST MY LUCK and I'd like to have a word with whomever gave the green light to that piece of shit.


Comic books adaptations
I tend to avoid comic book films even if it's a character or story I actually enjoy. There are exceptions to this rule though. Tim Burton's BATMAN films were legendary and IRON MAN (the first one) was better than I expected. Christopher Nolan's DARK KNIGHT (one and two) have been decent. Although, I've already declared a protest on the third installment due to the casting of Bland Hathaway as Catwoman. I guarantee you she will be worse than Halle Berry. Most of you know my stance on the Heath Ledger role ( don't get me started again) and I will argue to the death about how his posthumous Oscar was incredibly undeserving. My main problem with comic book films is the continuity. I have collected comic books on & off since I was ten years old so I am fairly versed in the DC and Marvel universes. I realize decades of storyline is hard to fit into an hour and a half long film, but most attempts I have seen still fall short. The characters have no dept! They were most likely developed by some middle aged asshole screenwriter who's never even picked up a comic book in his life. IRON MAN 2 was a mistake; there was just too much going on and too many characters introduced. They do this to appeal to a large audience, I realize. The worst adaptations have been the SPIDERMAN franchise (shame on you Sam Raimi), X-MEN (all of them), 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, BATMAN & ROBIN, BATMAN FOREVER, CATWOMAN, FANTASTIC FOUR, GHOSTRIDER, THE HULK, JONAH HEX, PUNISHER, DAREDEVIL/ELEKTRA, and let's not forget TANK GIRL. Last year saw an influx in comic book movies which is only building up to one big circle jerk this summer (THE AVENGERS). I recently witnessed a guy viewing the latest trailer for THE AVENGERS. He muttered to himself, "that's gonna be so fucking awesome!" Then he asked, "Who's the chick in the black outfit?" Any moron with an ounce of knowledge in the Marvel world knows who Natasha Romanova is. Why would you be so excited about a movie starring the Black Widow if you can't even recognize her in the fucking trailer?! I presume this is the majority of audience goers which saddens me to no end.


Sequels
Bottom line, sequels are just unnecessary! They only exist so money hungry studios can squeeze more dough out of the consumer. How often have you been let down by a sequel you had faith in? Come on, let's hear it! It's like expecting dinner at Uchi and getting HEB sushi instead. Let's not even talk about Episode 1-3. Most of the time, the original cast doesn't even appear in the sequel. There's usually a new director and a sub par script to round out this bad idea. Did we really need a sequel to AMERICAN PSYCHO, SPEED, GREASE, THE RING, LOST BOYS, SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, THE KARATE KID. JAWS, or SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. Even my beloved CADDYSHACK had a sequel with no Murray or Rodney. I can only think of two instances where sequels work and those are THE GODFATHER II and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Remember these examples are about as rare as that albino squirrel on UT campus.


Based on true events
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT made millions on the based on true events idea. Ever since, dozens of other dumbasses in Hollywood have tried to replicate this formula. There's even bigger dumbasses who continue to go see crap like PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Based on true events films aren't limited to horror. Let's not forget SOUL SURFER, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, BLACK HAWK DOWN, and the abomination that is TITANIC. The "true events" exist as an outline for a weak script and everything within is unrecognizable or glamorized. Now that I think of it, there's some great based on true events films out there like THE COAL MINER'S DAUGHTER, MOMMIE DEAREST, AMADEUS, GOODFELLAS, CASINO, and ALMOST FAMOUS. I guess my disdain is primarily isolated to found footage horror films. My bad!


Musicians turned actors
Anything starring a musician turned actor is a recipe for disaster. Why do musicians feel like they are entitled to try their hand at acting? You don't often see attorneys who think they can be doctors. The same goes for actors who think they can sing. It usually ends in embarrassment; I'm looking at you Eddie Murphy & Bruce Willis. I think Madonna is the most notorious musician turned actor. She never learned her lesson from WHO'S THAT GIRL, DICK TRACY, or SHANGHAI SURPRISE since she continued on with SWEPT AWAY. Then there's Mariah Carey, Jessica Simpson, J Lo, Britney, Henry Rollins, Whitney Houston, Gene Simmons, and Vanilla Ice. Once in a while someone like Justin Timberlake comes along and gets it right. Also, PURPLE RAIN is the exception to this rule because Prince was basically playing himself.


I also have specific actors and directors that I refuse to patronize. I have come to realize I pretty much hate Judd Apatow and Farrelly Brother films. I am not a big fan of Peter Jackson (except HEAVENLY CREATURES). I also tend to avoid films starring Rachel McAdams (aka the new Meg Ryan), Ryan Reynolds, Jason Stratham (except SNATCH) and Sandra Bullock.

I know I'm forgetting something, but you get the general idea. What are your deal breakers?

Worst of 2011

Oscar nominations were announced this morning and it has created a huge stir. I'm upset about certain snubs, but I'll leave that rant for the Oscar Predictions post to come later. Today in honor of the nominations, I will discuss the worst films of 2011. I managed to dodge most of the shitty flicks out there like these.

I did watch HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2, but I will leave it off this list. It's in a class all on its own. In all my movie going experiences, I have never witnessed a more polarized & vocal audience in a theater. For all the shit that spews (literally) from CENTIPEDE 2, it has character. I will say, I'd love to watch this again instead of some of the other Oscar nominated films like THE HELP, WARHORSE, BRIDESMAIDS, DESCENDANTS, or whatever else feel good movie bile you wanna toss my way. I also guarantee this film is far more enjoyable than the latest TWILIGHT bullshit.


Without further adieu:

TROLLHUNTER
This film got rave reviews by many credible people. I just thought it was really, really overrated. It was painfully slow to begin with and none of the characters really stood out. I'm not saying TROLLHUNTER was a bad movie, I just didn't enjoy it as much as everyone else did. It was definitely lacking something for me.


THE LAST CIRCUS
First of all, this is not a bad film. I just could not stop cringing at the sight of it! Here's the deal, I hate clowns! They scare me more than Republicans. This film was so scary I couldn't even enjoy it. There's a scene where one clown asks the other clown why he wanted to be a clown in the first place. He responds, "Because if I wasn't a clown, I'd be a murderer." What the fuck!? Terrifying!!!


DRIVE
I like Gosling, I think he's an underrated actor that's often overshadowed by his boyish good looks. He suffers from Leo DiCaprio syndrome. Anyhow, Gosling is good in this film, but not enough to carry it. I think the script was weak and the cast just didn't work. There's a couple graphic scenes in it that felt really misplaced and too ambitious. I actually said to myself during one particular scene, "this is such a Gaspar Noe ripoff." Later come to find out the director, Nicolas Winding Refn, sought advice from Gaspar Noé on how to make the scene brutal and realistic. Go figure.


HATCHET 2
The first HATCHET was slightly entertaining. There's some unique kills and absolutely no plot much like other classic slasher flicks. HATCHET 2 follows the same script as the first. I expected this one to be a little more enjoyable since Danielle Harris was starring and because of all the stir it caused by being pulled from theaters after two days (it was unrated). There was nothing redeeming about HATCHET 2; not even the kills were interesting. I actually began to doze off during the climax and I never fall asleep during movies. It was like watching that one douche bag at the bar trying really hard to pick up girls. The guy happens to be the director, Adam Green.


HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN
I have to say, I liked the arcade game Alamo set up in the lobby a lot more than the actual film. Is there such genre as Canadian-sploitation? If so, I'd like to avoid all films with this tag. I'm searching for words to describe this feature and the only thing that come to mind is "stupid." Don't get me wrong, I enjoy tongue in cheek horror films. This piece of crap fails to be funny, witty, entertaining, or even shocking. I did appreciate the brief cameo of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.



CEDAR RAPIDS
Americans must be getting dumber because comedies are getting more and more moronic. Case in point, this trash! I hate Ed Helms and I hate The Office. This was like an Office feature film. Think of the worst jokes wrapped up in the most predictable script ever and there you have CEDAR RAPIDS. Not even John C. Reilly could save this sinking ship.


SOURCE CODE
I swear I really wanted to like this film; I just couldn't. I loved MOON and still think Duncan Jones has great potential as a director, but this film was all wrong. SOURCE CODE was nothing more than a jazzed up version of GROUNDHOG DAY minus the ever hilarious Bill Murray. I think Gyllenhaal was a terrible choice for the lead. I really hope this is not the last we see of Duncan Jones.


SKATELAND
Shame on me for letting my guard down and taking a chance on something. I couldn't even make it through the entire film; I watched maybe thirty minutes! I should have known this was going to be a huge turd since the only recognizable "star" was some bitch from TWILIGHT. I get the impression the director really wanted to capture the same essence of DAZED AND CONFUSED; coincidentally it was also filmed in Texas. I promptly shut off the DVD when some asshole Abercrombie & Fitch poster child started sarcastically reciting lines from ANNIE HALL. You only get to quote ANNIE HALL if your name is Blake Schwarzenbach.


THE RITE
Enough with the possession films! Seriously, I have yet to see any possession film that is remotely watchable. I really hope Sir Anthony Hopkins was possessed because I can't for the life of me understand why he didn't wipe his ass with this script. What was he thinking? I also couldn't be more sick of this whole "based on true events" crap. Bottom line, this movie sucks!



Dishonorable Mention
NEVER LET ME GO
I'm not exactly certain if this came out in 2011, but I hated it so much I can't leave it off the list. Kiera Knightly is a terrible actress to begin with! I wanted to give it a chance because Mark Romanek is so revered for his other work. It dragged on for way too long, the cast had no chemistry, and the plot was way too compliant. I can't wait for this trend of distopian society films to end. Hollywood is really beating a dead horse with this genre. Maybe Romanek should stick with directing music videos.


Feel free to air you own grievances.

Best of 2011

I have been pining for weeks about what films I would choose for my best of list. We saw some really great films come out in 2011; it's really hard to choose. I actually like most of the critically acclaimed works like TREE OF LIFE, INTO THE ABYSS, GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, MIDNIGHT IN PARIS, CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS, and THE ARTIST. Instead I have decided to discuss some films that may have flown under the radar. Here goes:

TABLOID
This was a documentary that came out a couple months ago. It's about a woman who became a tabloid sensation after kidnapping a man she was in love with and holding him hostage for three days basically as a sex slave. And you though Chad had some crazy girlfriends! The story is told by all the key players except the poor stiff who got kidnapped. He declined participation for obvious reasons. The woman charged with the crime is a former beauty queen and speaks quit eloquently with a charming southern accent. It's just an insane story that you have to watch for yourself to believe.


SHAME
This got quite a bit of buzz during Cannes, mostly because of Michael Fassbender's well endowed appendages. Yes, this is true but it's not the only reason to watch SHAME. People have so many presumptions about sex addiction and it has become something society tends to throw around as an excuse when things begin to spiral out of control. This film may not answer all the questions we have about this medically recognized affliction, but it does show us what it feels like to suffer from it. I can't remember the last time I saw a film that felt so isolating and forsaken. I left the theatre feeling very shaken and slightly depressed. Had Michael Fassbender's character been a woman, I would have thought Lars Von Trier directed this.


MELANCHOLIA
Speaking of Lars Von Trier, he really put his foot in his mouth at Cannes this year but I still love him. He caused quite a stir with some Nazi jokes and come Oscar time no one will remember. Von Trier's controversy created much buzz around this film. I couldn't wait until November to see it so I watched a screener at home in anticipation of seeing it on the big screen. Kirsten Dunst's depression made me extremely uncomfortable to the point where I never got around to seeing it in the theater. I think anyone who has even remotely dealt with depression will feel uneasy about this film. On the other hand, MELANCHOLIA is the most optimistic film Von Trier has ever directed. It is an incredibly beautiful and gut wrenching film wrapped up in madness.


RUM DIARY
I love Hunter S. Thompson and I love Johnny Depp. This partnership worked wonderfully with FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. Most people thought this would work as well. I think it was a wonderful cast and a beautiful setting (Puerto Rico). However, the script fell a little short as well as the directing. Johnny Depp was ever so charming as was Aaron Eckhart. I have recently developed a bit of a crush on Amber Heard who is so delightful. However, I really think Giovanni Ribisi steals the show on this one. For all its weaknesses, I still think it was a good film and most likely better than the newest TWILIGHT bullshit.


I SAW THE DEVIL
Korea knows how to make a revenge film, plain and simple. A man puts his life on hold to seek revenge on a serial killer who murdered his pregnant wife. This was such an unbelievable film that it gives me anxiety every time I watch it. Without giving too much away, the lead is played by the handsome and charismatic Byung-hun Lee. The antagonist is Min-sik Choi who we know and love from the classic OLDBOY.


HESHER
This film did not get great reviews. Here's the deal, the soundtrack kicks ass and I think JGL is a phenomenal actor. I will pretty much watch anything he's in. This film was unlike any other role he's ever played. It's really endearing, sad, and comical all at once. Give it a try, at least for Piper Laurie who’s wonderful as Grandma. You might actually like it. Also, the pre-show at the Alamo was scenes from HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT which you can never go wrong with.



MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE
Elizabeth Olsen (the younger sister of the Trollson Twins) has been praised endlessly for her performance in this film. It is definitely well deserved. I don't think John Hawkes has been given enough credit as his eerie portrayal of the cult leader/Manson figure he plays so well. Yes, the ending is kind of ambiguous but what do you expect from such a disturbing story? To be honest, this film actually gave me nightmares which is a really hard thing to do.


THE SKIN I LIVE IN
Never have I ever had a bigger "what the fuck" moment than when I saw the latest film from Pedro Almodovar. It’s stylish, disturbing, mind-blowing, and sexy all at the same time. I really admire Almodovar’s passion for strong female characters. I guarantee this film is not like any he’s done before. I can’t really say anything about this film without giving away major plot lines, but the music is great. I will tell you it was loosely based on an old French film called EYES WITHOUT A FACE.


JULIA’S EYES
I love Guillermo Del Toro; I think he has made some of the best Spanish horror films of our time. This film caught my attention because he produced it. I had never heard of the director (Guillem Morales), but after seeing JULIA’S EYES, I watched his first film THE UNINVITED GUEST and was pleasantly surprised by his work. The main actress, Belen Rueda, is just as amazing in this as she was in THE ORPHANAGE. I was shocked to find that I was one of three people at a screening of this during Fantastic Fest. The message board trolls criticized the plot, but I thought it was pretty unique. The story centers on a woman going blind so at times the audience experiences POV shots. The story plays on our continuing fear of the unknown and darkness. There’s hardly any gore in this film, yet it’s still frightening. I can’t recommend it enough!


THIRTEEN ASSASSINS
I’m pretty sure Takashi Miike can do no wrong. This film is a colossal masterpiece.


Honorable Mentions
These are a couple films that were released prior to 2011, but not made available in the US until recently.

WASTELAND
This is a wonderful documentary about art, life, perseverance, and the trash pickers in Brazil. This film really struck a chord in me no other on this list could.


MARWENCHOL
This is another documentary about a man who builds models for a miniature town he made up called Marwenchol. This is a truly touching story about one man’s survival.


Did I miss any?

The Breeders

I make no secrets of the fact that I am not akin to children. I was never one to slap my slogan on a button and parade it around. However, this topic has come to light so much recently that I feel I need to address it.




I know you're all thinking, "Well Priscilla, you were a kid once too." You're absolutely right! I was a kid who had a lovely childhood filled with comic books and R rated movies. I didn't have many friends because I will admit, I was a bit strange. I very much enjoyed being a loner. All I wanted to do was write stories about monsters and dogs. My mother was an only child so I never had any cousins or other children my age around. Both my siblings are more than a decade older than me and they never really treated me like a kid in the first place. I essentially grew up without any other children around me and I was perfectly content with it.




Come high school, it seemed babies just began popping out everywhere. The small town I grew up in has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. I wanted out of my small town so badly I refused to do anything that would prevent that. My strict Catholic mother never gave me the unwanted pregnancy talk; it just wasn't necessary. Most of my high school graduating class were squeezing out babies or were already moms by the time I was moving away to go to college. Thank goodness I dodged that bullet.




It's not that I hate children, they're just not for me. I have several friends (Chad, Dorothy, Ruth, Vince) with beautiful children who I know will grow to be pillars of the community. I'm very happy for them and enjoy being "Crazy Aunt Priscilla." My patience tends to run thin and that makes a terrible recipe for parenthood. I also enjoy traveling and that is nearly impossible to do with children. There's no way I would have been able to do half the things I've gotten to experience in my life had I been stuck at home with babies.

I decided I would give it ten years to see if that motherly instinct they refer to on Oprah would kick in. I told myself I would be open to the idea of bearing children within my ten year period. Well, my ten years have come & gone and I feel more strongly now than ever about being childless. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I have figured out where I want my career to go. For the first time, I feel like I can see clearly. I have so many ideas and goals and I feel really focused. I have worked so hard, I refuse to throw it all away for someone else.

The unfortunate thing about getting older is that your marital status and family planning decisions are constantly under scrutiny. On one occasion, an acquaintance was gushing about how she couldn't wait to have babies. She then asked me when I would have my own. I politely explained that it was not in my cards. Her response was, "Well, one day you'll meet someone and you'll want to have his babies." Not only is this remark completely degrading as a woman, but it also disregards my long term relationship. I feel like I am regularly defending my decisions to everyone except my family. Almost a year ago, I had a discussion with my family to tell them how I felt. My confession was not news to them and they fully support my decision not to have kids.




The whole point of this post is to discuss the behavior of breeders and the disrespect they impose on non-breeders. I'm not saying ALL breeders are guilty of poor behavior, but I've recently encountered some horrible ones. While working in my office last week, a recent breeder decided to parade her new offspring around the building to collect as many "oohs and ahhhs" as possible. The breeder then enters our office (the most unfriendly breeder office in the building) and begins jibber jabbering about said offspring. She then announces that she is going to change her baby on the table in our small dining corner where our lunch is kept. My office mate gives a firm, "DO NOT do that!" The breeder instead plops the baby on the floor in front of the mini fridge a mere inches from my frozen meal cooking in the microwave. She's changing away while the offspring is screaming for bloody murder. I then muster up my best death stare and say, "You're fucking disgusting." She raps it up and is out the door to another office. Later I notice the dirty discarded diaper is sitting in the trash can by the dining corner! Please tell me where someone gets the audacity to pull such shenanigans. I do not understand how someone can have no respect for anyone else.

I realize being a parent is fun, exciting, life changing, blah, blah, blah. Do you realize that those emotions only affect you as a parent. The rest of mankind is unfazed by your new bundle of joy. It appears to me that the second one becomes a parent all courtesy to the rest of the society is out the door. Example #2 of bad breeders: I was perusing the clearance aisle at Target recently and there's a woman fumbling with 75% off 2011 nutcrackers. Her whole cart is blocking the aisle so no one can pass and her toddler sitting in the cart is screaming at the top of her lungs. She is apparently demanding something that's totally inaudible, meanwhile the mother continues to browse as if the child does not exist. I understand you may be accustomed to this behavior, but it is not acceptable. Just because you can tune your kid out doesn't mean I can.




Don't get me started on the breastfeeding issue. I saw a poll today that asked if you thought public breastfeeding was OK. The results were 50/50. This whole breastfeeding issue is so bizarre to me. When did it become such a huge issue? I don't remember anyone in the 80s or 90s protesting because some mom whipped out a tit in the middle of the Target snack bar and someone wasn't stoked about it. It seems like the boob police are out in full force these days. I once saw a minor celebrity get attacked via social networking site because she expressed distaste for a mother at a nearby table in a public restaurant breastfeeding. The boob police wanted to burn her at the stake. Get real people! Your kid isn't the most important thing in the world! Part of the reason why I do not have Facebook is because I do not care about your mundane musings. I especially do not care for the half dozen pics you post a day of your baby that could be Benjamin Button's sister for all I can tell. Also, the "funny" things your toddler says are about as amusing as Dane Cook's stand-up routine. I hope you realize your asinine posts are fodder for my office mates and I to chuckle about over our morning coffee.




I'm fairly certain this post will draw a great deal of negative attention. A wise man once said, "Haters gonna hate." I'm tired of repressing my beliefs! I'm a non-breeder and I'm proud of it! I may be the minority, but from now on I will hang my head high. I raise my pint to Beth, Kenny, and all the other non-breeders out there. Call me a heartless bitch, godless commie scum, etc, I don't care. Just remember that when you are in the midst of your 18yr prison sentence, I will be travelling the world with my life partner and twelve dogs.

2011 Highlights

Now that I have recovered from the rager of a New Year's party at Kenny's house, let me share a few of my highlights of 2011.



NBA Lockout
Well, 2011 saw the infamous NBA lockout come and go. Thank goodness it only made a minor dent in our season and Fantasy Basketball League. We've got some new additions to the League this season and it looks to be a fun time. Speaking of the League, guess who got first round draft pick? Yours truly! That's right my friends, the Fantasy gods smiled down upon me and blessed Team Reservoir Pugs with Kevin Durant. See you in the playoffs!



Battlepug
I mentioned in my "Favorite Things" blog how much I love Battlepug. I discovered this little gem of a web comic early 2011. I am continually amazed at how great the story & art is. Battlepug is the best part of my Mondays now. I also look forward to the Friday Battlepuggage. This week's panel blew my fucking mind!



UT Basketball
I've never been to any kind of sporting event, not even when I was a student at UT. I don't care much for football or baseball, but I do enjoy basketball. I got to attend my first basketball game at Frank Erwin Center and it was a lot of fun. My goal is to attend an NBA game this year. I'd love more than anything to see the Celtics in action or even the Bulls.



Gopher
The Turkey surprised me with a gift of the gopher! Now I have my very own little gopher who sings and dances along to the theme song of my favorite movie CADDYSHACK.


Moz
I got to see the beloved Morrissey this past year. Being of Hispanic origin, I am predisposed to LOVE all things Moz. I gotta say, the old goat has still got it. How many 52yr. old men do you know that can make boys/girls swoon while tossing his shirt into the audience?


WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER
WHAS is in my top 5 of all time funniest movies. I remember the first time I saw it with John T, I was in tears from laughing so hard. There are so many quotable lines from that film it's ridiculous. I had the opportunity to catch a screening of it at the Alamo Drafthouse with Joe Lo Truglio (Neil) in attendance. We even got to speak with Joe very briefly afterwards; he was incredibly funny & nice.



Chuck Palahniuk
I like to read, there I said it! When I'm not catching up on films, I'm usually reading. I'm not a very fast reader, but this year my goal is to read twice as many books as I read in 2011. I've read most of Palahniuk's books including his most recent Damned. I think he's a wonderful writer who only gets better and better. He was in town in October for the book festival. I got a signed copy of his book and got to see him do a reading at the Scoot Inn. He read a story he wrote for Playboy that was so absurd yet awesome.



TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
In June we braved the summer heat to visit the house that Leatherface built. The Alamo had a rolling roadshow of the original CHAINSAW film with cast members/ crew in front of the house where the film was shot in Kingsland, TX. As a rabid horror fan, words cannot express what an experience this pilgrimage was for me.


Austin Comic Con
My Buffy fan flag was flying high when Comic Con came around. Not only did I get to see two panels of cast members, but I also went to the sing along with Spike in attendance. I got to hear my favorite vampire since Gary Oldman belt out a few tunes and it was magical. His voice was like a cross between Fergie and Jesus.


San Francisco
I used to travel a lot and it seems lately that has taken a backseat. I intend to change that immediately. I back to San Francisco in September and had the most amazing time. I got to see my favorite designer, Betsey Johnson! I got to visit The Rock! Most of all, I got to see Peter Hook of New Order (one of my all time favorite bands) play Closer! It was such an incredible trip that was only matched by the delicious food we ate. I can't wait to go back.



I gotta say that 2011 was a pri-tay, pri-tay, pri-tay good year for me. It definitely had it's ups and downs, but overall it was a good year. I can only hope that 2012 brings more triumphs for the both of us!