Worst of 2011

Oscar nominations were announced this morning and it has created a huge stir. I'm upset about certain snubs, but I'll leave that rant for the Oscar Predictions post to come later. Today in honor of the nominations, I will discuss the worst films of 2011. I managed to dodge most of the shitty flicks out there like these.

I did watch HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2, but I will leave it off this list. It's in a class all on its own. In all my movie going experiences, I have never witnessed a more polarized & vocal audience in a theater. For all the shit that spews (literally) from CENTIPEDE 2, it has character. I will say, I'd love to watch this again instead of some of the other Oscar nominated films like THE HELP, WARHORSE, BRIDESMAIDS, DESCENDANTS, or whatever else feel good movie bile you wanna toss my way. I also guarantee this film is far more enjoyable than the latest TWILIGHT bullshit.


Without further adieu:

TROLLHUNTER
This film got rave reviews by many credible people. I just thought it was really, really overrated. It was painfully slow to begin with and none of the characters really stood out. I'm not saying TROLLHUNTER was a bad movie, I just didn't enjoy it as much as everyone else did. It was definitely lacking something for me.


THE LAST CIRCUS
First of all, this is not a bad film. I just could not stop cringing at the sight of it! Here's the deal, I hate clowns! They scare me more than Republicans. This film was so scary I couldn't even enjoy it. There's a scene where one clown asks the other clown why he wanted to be a clown in the first place. He responds, "Because if I wasn't a clown, I'd be a murderer." What the fuck!? Terrifying!!!


DRIVE
I like Gosling, I think he's an underrated actor that's often overshadowed by his boyish good looks. He suffers from Leo DiCaprio syndrome. Anyhow, Gosling is good in this film, but not enough to carry it. I think the script was weak and the cast just didn't work. There's a couple graphic scenes in it that felt really misplaced and too ambitious. I actually said to myself during one particular scene, "this is such a Gaspar Noe ripoff." Later come to find out the director, Nicolas Winding Refn, sought advice from Gaspar Noé on how to make the scene brutal and realistic. Go figure.


HATCHET 2
The first HATCHET was slightly entertaining. There's some unique kills and absolutely no plot much like other classic slasher flicks. HATCHET 2 follows the same script as the first. I expected this one to be a little more enjoyable since Danielle Harris was starring and because of all the stir it caused by being pulled from theaters after two days (it was unrated). There was nothing redeeming about HATCHET 2; not even the kills were interesting. I actually began to doze off during the climax and I never fall asleep during movies. It was like watching that one douche bag at the bar trying really hard to pick up girls. The guy happens to be the director, Adam Green.


HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN
I have to say, I liked the arcade game Alamo set up in the lobby a lot more than the actual film. Is there such genre as Canadian-sploitation? If so, I'd like to avoid all films with this tag. I'm searching for words to describe this feature and the only thing that come to mind is "stupid." Don't get me wrong, I enjoy tongue in cheek horror films. This piece of crap fails to be funny, witty, entertaining, or even shocking. I did appreciate the brief cameo of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.



CEDAR RAPIDS
Americans must be getting dumber because comedies are getting more and more moronic. Case in point, this trash! I hate Ed Helms and I hate The Office. This was like an Office feature film. Think of the worst jokes wrapped up in the most predictable script ever and there you have CEDAR RAPIDS. Not even John C. Reilly could save this sinking ship.


SOURCE CODE
I swear I really wanted to like this film; I just couldn't. I loved MOON and still think Duncan Jones has great potential as a director, but this film was all wrong. SOURCE CODE was nothing more than a jazzed up version of GROUNDHOG DAY minus the ever hilarious Bill Murray. I think Gyllenhaal was a terrible choice for the lead. I really hope this is not the last we see of Duncan Jones.


SKATELAND
Shame on me for letting my guard down and taking a chance on something. I couldn't even make it through the entire film; I watched maybe thirty minutes! I should have known this was going to be a huge turd since the only recognizable "star" was some bitch from TWILIGHT. I get the impression the director really wanted to capture the same essence of DAZED AND CONFUSED; coincidentally it was also filmed in Texas. I promptly shut off the DVD when some asshole Abercrombie & Fitch poster child started sarcastically reciting lines from ANNIE HALL. You only get to quote ANNIE HALL if your name is Blake Schwarzenbach.


THE RITE
Enough with the possession films! Seriously, I have yet to see any possession film that is remotely watchable. I really hope Sir Anthony Hopkins was possessed because I can't for the life of me understand why he didn't wipe his ass with this script. What was he thinking? I also couldn't be more sick of this whole "based on true events" crap. Bottom line, this movie sucks!



Dishonorable Mention
NEVER LET ME GO
I'm not exactly certain if this came out in 2011, but I hated it so much I can't leave it off the list. Kiera Knightly is a terrible actress to begin with! I wanted to give it a chance because Mark Romanek is so revered for his other work. It dragged on for way too long, the cast had no chemistry, and the plot was way too compliant. I can't wait for this trend of distopian society films to end. Hollywood is really beating a dead horse with this genre. Maybe Romanek should stick with directing music videos.


Feel free to air you own grievances.

wish list

So with the holidays rapidly approaching I figured everyone would be racking their brain about what to get me as a gift. I thought I would give you a hand in case you're looking for that perfect Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Halloween, Christmas, Birthday, or Thanksgiving present. Here's a list of things I would love to have. Do what you will with it.

The Shining Dress

I found this on a website that makes really cool clothes. It's as if someone dug around in my brain and merged the twisted ideas with fashion. They also have a Steve Buchemi dress, a Jaws swimsuit, and blood splattered tights. How awesome is that?

Claddagh Ring

I didn't realize until much later that this is a traditional Irish ring symbolizing love, loyalty, & friendship. I first saw the ring in season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was a ring given to the Buffster by main squeeze Angel right before he banged her and turned into the Evil Angelus. Despite my distaste for Angel (Team Spike), I always thought the ring was really pretty. I often find myself checking them out at Tesoros on S. Congress. Isn't it kind of weird to buy jewelry for yourself? Unless you're Liz Taylor but even then, Richard Burton threw her a couple bones.

Riptide by Michael Prescott

I came across this book in a list of must reads on Huffington Post or something like that. I generally tend to gravitate towards a lot of horror, true crime, music bios, and satirical books. I've read a lot of books about serial killers (more than I care to admit) and Jack the Ripper in particular. This book is a fictional investigation of the Ripper murders. It sounds like a different take on the murders which could be pretty cool. I'm not into the kindle/nook craze quit yet because I really enjoy the aesthetic of a real, live book in the flesh. I usually buy my books second hand or order them online. I've actually had a tough time finding this one so keep an eye out for me.

Morrissey vinyl singles box set

Not to endanger my goth cred, I do appreciate The Smiths. It just so happens that I enjoy Moz's solo career far more. His solo catalog is so much more self deprecating yet shockingly narcissistic. Albums like Viva Hate & Vauxhall and I made me fall in love with this charming man. They have this box set at Waterloo Records for $99. I often find myself fondling it when I stop by. I really could use the 7" for Last of the Famous International Playboys. How can you not love Morrissey?

ANTICHRIST Criterion

I love Lars Von Trier's films, but some of them I can never watch again. His films are beautiful and tragic all in the same. ANTICHRIST really caused a stir for this self proclaimed greatest director of all time. He recently announced his withdraw from public interviews. Von Trier's comments were a bit misconstrued at this year's Cannes Film Festival resulting in a lifetime ban. I do think Von Trier is incredibly over the top but he's also really misunderstood. Being Dutch, I think his language barrier makes it difficult to translate his unusual sense of humor to English. Anyhow, I loved ANTICHRIST and I have built up my own conclusions on the plot. I would hope the extra features could explain a little more about the film. Although, I fear it would only be more confusing so maybe I don't really need the Criterion collection.

Funeral Home Perfume

I know it's pretty goth but hear me out on this one. I love the Demeter line of fragrances. They're really different, reasonably priced, and very subtle. Funeral home is apparently a blend of lilies, carnations, gladiolus, chrysanthemums with a hint of mahogany and oriental carpet. I've used a few different scents over the years; I currently wear the grass fragrance. The Hello Kitty scent is not so great but there's a new cherry scent that sounds really yummy. I highly suggest checking out the line. Whole Foods carries a few scents but the funeral home one has to be specially ordered.

Frye boots (Jane)

It seems I am always on a perpetual hunt for the perfect boot. I go back and forth about what type of boot I want and what color. On top of my indecisiveness, I have really skinny calves so that poses another problem. I love this brand of boots but they are so expensive. I really like Fluevog boots as well, but those are even more expensive. However, I have yet to find something comparable. I'll take one in every color please, size 7!

Freddy Krueger Nikes

This would take my horror cred to a whole new level of awesome. Most women lust after Louboutins, but I lust after a different red bottomed shoe. Damn these are cool!

Camo Snuggie

I have a faux Snuggie, a fuggie as I refer to it. I don't really like it; it's baby pink. I will trade you a baby pink fuggie for a camo Snuggie that I can take with me anywhere I please. I'm always cold so a Snuggie would be useful for me when I attend hockey games, outdoor movies, or even work. Maybe a matching one for my dog too? Make sure it's camo!

HUMAN CENTIPEDE necklace

I have a Centipede t-shirt which I get many complements on so I think the necklace would make a great companion. Whoever made this classy necklace is a genius. I think if anyone could pull it off, I can.

Eggies

Have you seen the infomercial? I love eggs, but I hate yolks. This makes it really easy to cook eggs while eliminating the yolk. It also makes it a lot easier to make deviled eggs. If you've had my deviled eggs, you know they are simply the best around.

Yoda backpack

Do I need to explain why this is awesome?

To be honest, this list is a bit of a joke. I wouldn't mind having these things, but I could live without them. As long as I have a happy healthy pooch & a talking/dancing gopher I couldn't be happier.

Most Anticipated

As many of you can see, I am a big fan of lists. This time of year I'm usually perusing film sites for upcoming releases. All the "Must See" lists for 2011 have been pretty lukewarm. Honestly, I could care less about whatever "comic book to film" installment is coming out this year. I have no interest in most sequels and I'm officially boycotting the new Batman film (Ann Hathaway as Catwoman is a joke). It's nice to know that several of my "Most Anticipated Films for 2010" will probably be nominated for Oscars next week. By the way, I'm backing Colin Firth 100% for Best Actor in THE KING'S SPEECH.

Like I said, 2011 looks like it will be a great year for film. I cannot wait for PIRANHA 3DD, BIUTIFUL, SOMEWHERE, and HUMAN CENTIPEDE- FULL SEQUENCE. Here's a few other films I am looking forward to:

KABOOM
"A sci-fi story centered on the sexual awakening of a group of college students."

This is the newest film from director Greg Araki. To tell you the truth, I wasn't that big of a fan of DOOM GENERATION, but I did enjoy MYSTERIOUS SKIN. MYSTERIOUS SKIN was also the film that made me realize Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a decent actor (he did do some stuff between 3rd Rock From the Sun and INCEPTION). I'm curious to see what kind of nightmare Araki has conjured up now.

THE TALL MAN
"When her child goes missing, a mother looks to unravel the legend of the Tall Man, an entity who allegedly abducts children."
Horror is my favorite genre hands down and as I've said before, the French are really making waves in the horror world. You might remember director Pascal Laugier from his previous film MARTYRS. Many people referred to that film as "torture porn." I really hate that term because I feel like people are quick to slap a label on something they cannot understand. I am interested to see how Laugier's art will translate to English with American actors.

VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE
"The story centers on Veronika, a woman in her mid twenties who appears to have everything: good looks, good job and a great life ahead of her. Yet she decides to end her own life."
Wow, I've been hearing about this film since 2008 and it's still not yet released. Supposedly there is a November 2011 US release, we'll see. The film is based on a novel by Paulo Coelho that takes place in Slovenia. The film stars Sarah Michelle Geller as Veronika. I just hope it doesn't disappoint all those Buffy super fans (myself included).

JULIA'S EYES
"It's the story of a woman who is slowly going blind whilst at the same time trying to uncover the mysterious death of her twin sister."
I really think Guillermo del Toro is hit or miss. People always rave about PANS LABYRINTH, but I really think THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE was a far superior film. He produced this Spanish film directed by Guillem Morales. Spain has been consistently producing great horror films so I'm excited to see this one.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK
"A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own."

This is actually written by del Toro. It is a remake by a fairly new director. Most people have never heard of the original television movie. It does star Katie Holmes whom we can all agree sucks. However, it also star Guy Pierce who is an outstanding actor. We'll see how it goes.

RAMPART
"Follows veteran police officer Dave Brown, the last of the renegade cops, as he struggles to take care of his family, and fights for his own survival."

This is based on a story by a favorite author of mine, James Ellroy. You may be familiar with The Black Dahlia and LA Confidential. Steve Buscemi and Woody Harrelson both star. Director Oren Moverman recently did THE MESSENGER which earned Harrelson his second Oscar nomination. Hopefully this will be better than the film adaptation of THE BLACK DAHLIA, no disrespect to Brian De Palma.

SHELTER
"A female forensic psychiatrist discovers that all of one of her patient's multiple personalities are murder victims. She will have to find out what's happening before her time is finished."
I'm not a huge fan of Stephen King's writing, but I do enjoy his films. I've heard this is a pretty good adaptation of one of books. Jonathan Rhys Meyers (who I absolutely love) and Julianne Moore both star.

RED RIDING HOOD
"Set in a medieval village that is haunted by a werewolf, a young girl falls for an orphaned woodcutter, much to her family's displeasure."

First off, I am very hesitant to watch anything remotely related to TWILIGHT. Director Catherine Hardwicke also did the first TWILIGHT movie as well as THIRTEEN. My favorite actor of all time, Gary Oldman stars in this reboot. I'll pretty much watch anything he is in, including THE FIFTH ELEMENT. Virginia Madsen and Lukas Haas also star.

MELANCHOLIA
"Two sisters find their relationship challenged as a nearby planet threatens to collide into the Earth."

Chaos still reigns. My Lars Von Trier obsession grows daily! What would possess Charlotte Gainsbourg to work with this insane genius again? Maybe she's just as crazy as he is. Supposedly, each morning while filming DANCER IN THE DARK, Bjork would say, "Mr. Von Trier, I despise you," and spat at him. Von Trier recently made a comment about how his films will have no more happy endings. I never realized he made any happy films! Kirsten Dunst stars in this film and I question her qualifications. She recently defended Von Trier saying, "There's poetry in the way he tortures women." For her sake, I hope she's right.

A DANGEROUS METHOD
"A look at how the intense relationship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud gives birth to psychoanalysis."

What can be said about mastermind David Cronenberg that hasn't already been said. Viggo Mortensen as Sigmund Freud is almost too perfect. This film should be very interesting; Cronenberg never disappoints!

THE SKIN THAT I INHABIT
"Based on Thierry Jonquet's novel "Mygale", this revenge tale tells the story of a plastic surgeon on the hunt for the men who raped his daughter."

The latest film from celebrated Spanish director Pedro Almodovar. I really like BAD EDUCATION and his most recent BROKEN EMBRACES. I definitely look forward to this one.

THE RUM DIARY
"Paul Kemp is a freelance journalist who finds himself at a critical turning point in his life while writing for a run-down newspaper in the Caribbean."

I feel like I've been waiting forever to see this film released and this is the one I am looking forward to the most. I love the book and I have no doubt Johnny Depp will do Paul Kemp justice and make Hunter S. Thompson proud. Depp was extraordinary in FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. I'm just so excited to see it.

What are you guys looking forward to?

Ten in 2010

I really hate when people say things like, "Wow, this year just flew by!" or "Where did the year go." Although, it actually feels like this year just came and went faster than a cat can lick its own ass.

This year started out much like any other, with not to many prospects on the horizon. The beginning of 2010 was a bit rough; I lost a close family member and my life just felt very adrift and empty. Come spring, I made some very important and difficult decisions for myself that I'm now certain will benefit me in the long run. The last few months have been incredibly busy for me. Honestly, at times I felt discouraged and overwhelmed but that was all momentarily. I have a wonderful support system. I also have so many great things to look forward to in the future.

This year I decided I need to do more things for myself and stop being consumed with adversity. I started this blog in the beginning of 2010 which was an accomplishment in itself. I am no Salinger, but I do enjoy writing and sharing ideas. I am very grateful to those of you who continue to read these posts. I hope I can continue to engage you with my tales. I have put together a wrap up of some of my favorite events of 2010. I look forward to twice as many events in 2011.

MONSTER SQUAD screening
MONSTER SQUAD is one of my favorite childhood films. It made me feel like there were other kids out there that felt the same as I did and that we did belong somewhere. It was scary, funny, and endearing all at the same time. In January, The Alamo Drafthouse Ritz held a special screening of the film with cast and crew in attendance. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd get to meet Sean and Rudy, but I did. Everyone was so pleasant and kind. It was an amazing experience!


Gals Panic reunion
Back home Gals Panic were legends. They were one of the first bands I remember seeing when I started frequenting punk shows in middle school. I can't say I've heard anything like them since. They broke up nearly a decade ago but have played reunion shows a couple times since and I have seen every one. The show in March at Emos was extra special because I got to share it with my dear friend Jeremy who was also at those old shows so many years ago.



Megaphone PA Show
My friend Chad and I used to do a podcast a couple years ago called The Bitter Pad. We'd mostly interview scorned friends who had recently been dumped. As Chad has been coming up in the local comedy scene, he got the opportunity to host his own show with a live studio audience. He graciously asked me to be his co-host and I eagerly accepted. We've had a lot of fun doing the show. There's been some great musical, alcoholic, and comedic guests. Tune in on ustream if you can't make it out.



Fantasy Basketball
I never really understood the appeal of sporting events. I never even understood the rules in the first place. I caught a couple basketball games during the playoff games for last season. Thanks to Ross and Yogi who patiently explained the rules, I have now found a new interest in basketball. I also joined a Fantasy Basketball League with some friends and my team(The Fighting Pugs) is not doing too bad. Fantasy Sports are the equivalent of Dungeons & Dragons for jocks. The only difference is that you get to be a bit more creative with D & D. I've attempted to play D & D but found it too meticulous for me so I will just settle for the Fantasy version. Wish me luck in the playoffs!


Human Centipede
I'll admit I was a bit disappointed when I actually saw this masterpiece. It was hyped up to be something completely disturbing in the vain of Salo`. Since then, it has definitely grown on me as something much more comical. This film has taken on a life of its own. Just the other day I had a conversation about Human Centipede with the cashier at Chik-Fil-A when he recognized my t-shirt that has the medically accurate diagram on it. Now you can buy cat toys, bracelets, and Christmas ornaments of the same image. You know a film has made it when there's a porn parody of it. I can't wait for the sequel!



forgetters double 7"
As most of you know Jawbreaker is my favorite band and Blake Schwarzenbach is my favorite songwriter. I had the opportunity to see his new band forgetters play twice in 2009 during FunFunFun Fest. When this little treasure finally came in the mail, it was like Christmas. I have been waiting for new music from Blake since the last JTB album that came out in 2002. The songs do not disappoint and I am anxious to hear more from this outfit.




Texas Stars vs. San Antonio Rampage
I've always been a bit intrigued by hockey due to its violent nature. This winter I had the chance to attend a real hockey game in Cedar Park. Let me tell you, there's NOTHING like eating nachos, drinking beer, screaming obscenities, and watching grown men beat the shit out of each other on ice. Between the fights, the giant flying hamburger, and the bizarre dancing I had the best time and even got a free blanket. I hope to attend more games in the future.



Eli Roth
I admit, I have a little crush on the one and only Bear Jew. I think I enjoy his sense of humor and passion for horror more than the actual films he directs. I guess I relate to him in a sense. This summer, he was in town to host an advanced screening of THE LAST EXORCISM at The Alamo Drafthouse S. Lamar. I didn't get to make that event, but I did go to the midnight screening of PIRANHA 3D which in hindsight was a far superior film than EXORCISM. As we had pre-drinks at The Highball, we just so happen to run into Eli. We exchanged pleasantries and I watched him roll a gutter ball while looking remarkably stylish in cargo shorts. The director for EXORCISM, Daniel Stamm actually fell asleep in the seat next to me during PIRANHA. The Alamo Drafthouse continues to make dreams come true and I could never have a better movie experience than I do at their theaters.



Descendents
I was excited to see DEVO at FunFunFun Fest 2010. When they cancelled, I was still excited to see friends and just have a good time at the Fest. Once the news came out of Descendents filling in as a replacement, all hell broke loose. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd get to see them again. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was able to see them on the Everything Sucks tour and it was one of the best times of my life. I also said before that your Descendents friends are the ones you want to keep forever. Even though most of us have moved on to different places and we don't talk very much, I still remember the great times we had. Kevin, Victor, Jason B, Robbie, Christina, Carlos, and Eddie, you guys are always in my thoughts. Seeing The Descendents again made me feel like that 16yr old girl who didn't have a care in the world.

"These days the people I love are spread so far apart."





Hanson
I think it's safe to say I'm not a Hanson fan. My friends Yogi & Nicole, on the other hand, celebrate their entire catalog(and not in an ironic way). Their first dance as a married couple was to a Hanson song. Somehow the fates called down and Hanson was scheduled to preform on Yogi's birthday so I begrudgingly agreed to attend. Now after frequenting SXSW and Warped Tour for several years, I figured I've seen MUCH worse musical acts than Hanson(Good Charlotte at La Zona Rosa comes to mind). Surprisingly, the performance was quit entertaining and engaging. I did have a considerable number of drinks so that might have helped. Frankly, Hanson was a lot better than most of the bullshit hipster bands I painstakingly watched at FunFunFun Fest(Best Coast I'm looking at you). It was just nice to see my friends actually stoked about something.



I hope you all have a Happy New Year!