Most Hated

With Festivus rapidly approaching, I thought I'd get a head start on airing my grievances. Here are a few things I absolutely loathe. In no particular order:

LOL, epic, legit, FTW
I don't have a FaceBook account so unfortunately I have to miss out on so many mundane status updates. I do, however, have a twitter account so I read several compacted 140 character messages daily. Through twitter, I've learned how funny or incredibly boring my acquaintances are. I've also learned a lot about David Lynch, yet I'm more confused about him than ever before. These simple inane words happen to annoy me to no end. Now I'm no English major but I can think of a dozen more words that would be far more useful than these. My least favorite is FTW. Why would you wanna "Fuck The World?" It makes no sense. And "cheeseburgers FTW!" or "going to IKEA FTW!" makes even less sense. Epic and legit belong in the vocabulary of a 15yr old boy. Which means no one I associate with, has any business using either word.



James Cameron
Cameron is an arrogant asshole who deserves no recognition. He has become the new Michael Bay but way more douchey. I've never been a fan of his, but I have seen several of his movies and I think they're pretty mediocre. They are huge glitzy productions that merely conceal bad acting. I'll admit TERMINATOR 2 was entertaining, but it wasn't Oscar worthy. Nearly all of the filmmakers I admire have a very unique style that sets them apart from others. Cameron has no style whatsoever. All he has is a lot of money, some special effects, and an inflated ego. And for the record I have not see AVATAR, but I have seen FERNGULLY which is the same thing.




Glee
My problems with Glee may lie with the people who watch it more than the show itself. Being involved with theatre at one time has made me wary of people who spontaneously break out in song. It actually makes me cringe. Theatre people are some of the most self involved individuals I've ever come across. I also hate most contemporary pop music. Jane Lynch is becoming increasingly overexposed, she may be the new Jack Black. I feel like the people who watch this show are the ones who randomly quote Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss.




FourSquare, GoWalla, etc.
I'm referring to the mobile application that many people use to "check in." It's basically a way for people to mark their territories like dogs pissing on fire hydrants. I don't think people realize how irritating and hazardous it can become. Think about it: Bob & Sue just checked in at the football game. They will be gone for the next three hours which is plenty of time to rob their house. On the other had, 4SQ/GoWalla/whatever is like being in an abusive relationship when you have to tell your abuser where you are every minute of the day. By the way, if you become "the mayor" of your work place, you need to get back to work.




Los Angeles Lakers
Has anyone else ever seem such a collection of delinquents? I hate the Lakers, not because "they're champs," but because they're rapist, hoodlums, and most of all dirty players. The Lakers are like every villainous character wrapped into one team. Kobe Bryant is Lex Luthor, Gasol is Gargamel, and Ron Artest is Skeletor. Even their mascot is a villain, The Joker. By the way, anyone else notice that Pau Gasol resembles the buzzard from Looney Tunes?






Film Remakes
For an industry that was founded on creativity and art, Hollywood sure has dropped the ball with all these remakes. Instead of bastardizing someone else's vision, why not build your own? Most of the films that are now being remade work because of the language, setting, and period they were originally devised in. As good of reviews the LET THE RIGHT ONE IN remake received, I still refuse to watch it. What made this film beautiful was the language and the wonderfully dark backdrop of Sweden. The NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST remake was like someone stomping on my childhood. NIGHTMARE without Robert Englund is like Journey without Steve Perry. It just becomes a cheap facade. Other remakes I'm disappointed with include: GHOSTBUSTERS, HELLRAISER, FRIDAY THE 13TH, ARTHUR, BATTLE ROYALE, ,THE ORPHANAGE, TEEN WOLF, THE WARRIORS, THE CROW, and FRIGHT NIGHT. The list goes on but I will let you IMDB the rest. They're even remaking shitty movies like FOOTLOOSE and DROP DEAD FRED.

Family Matters

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts." -Anonymous




Family is a funny thing. You can't live with them, can't live without them, but you still love them unconditionally. The first relationships we build are with family members, which sets the precedent for future relationships. Most people wince at the thought of holiday season, simply because of the painstaking events that ensue as a result of family gatherings.

I recently had the opportunity to spend the weekend with someone else's parents which can be a challenge. Your parents are your own and for the most part, you've become used to them by now. As for someone else's parents, things become more daunting because you're not quite sure how to react. I guess you just gotta take it with a grain of salt or like a Russ Meyer film. Here are some great quotes I overheard this past weekend. Names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.



"Rusty, who are these girls? Are they hookers?" -Rusty's mom
(as she lurks his Facebook page)

"That place sucks." -Rusty
"Rusty, you're a grown-up now. We use different words." -Rusty's dad
"Sorry, that place blows." -Rusty

"Dad told me not to let you buy anything." -Rusty
"Rusty, no one has any control over me." -Rusty's mom the shopaholic

"If we would've brought our dogs, people would be crowding around us like celebrities. It happens all the time." -Rusty's dog obsessed mom

"Did you watch MAMA MIA?" -Rusty's mom

Personal Favorite:
"Rusty, you have time to go to the bar but you don't have time to call your mother."
(as posted on Rusty's Facebook wall by his mother)



I've come to realize everyone's family is a little embarrassing at times. That's what makes us appreciate our own independence, and appreciate the time we have with them. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season wherever you go and maybe you can share some of your own family quotes.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family ... in another city." -George Burns

Guilty as Charged

The other day, a friend of mine asked me what my musical guilty pleasure is. With very little thought, I immediately replied NSYNC. Although, I don't necessarily believe in "guilty pleasures." I don't think you should be embarrassed of anything you choose to enjoy (except Jersey Shore). Obviously, like many teens I had several selections of music I did not want my friends to know I listened to. I was forced to hide my Billy Joel, NKOTB, Boys II Men, and Air Supply tapes in Black Flag or Misfits cases. Nowadays, I proudly proclaim my love for Bay City Rollers, Lionel Richie, Take That, Dashboard Confessional, and most of all The Outfield. I'm comfortable with my taste in music.

It's interesting how music usually comes full circle. Lots of long forgotten bands reform because there's still an audience for that genre and there's always someone discovering it for the first time. Honestly, I was listening to Journey and Hall & Oats long before it got cool to like them again, no thanks to The Sopranos and that Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie.

Lately, I've been reading a lot of books related to music. It made me realize that I don't really listen to much music after 1996 which is a little disheartening. There's just a few bands I've gotten into in the last decade; many are spin-offs of previous bands. I don't feel the need to be up to date with current trends on Pitchfork, but I am always open to new suggestions. Here's a few of my own "guilty pleasures."

Michael McDonald
Man, I sure do love soft rock! The songs are so catchy and light; you can't help but sing-along. Songs like this remind me of being a kid and driving around in my mom's burnt orange Maverick without a care in the world.



Take That
I will always have a little place in my cold black heart for boy bands. It's such a great formula that has worked through and through. It probably started with NKOTB (Joey was my fave). We couldn't really afford to go to big concerts like that back then and I was always jealous of the girls who came back with giant buttons and over sized t-shirts. When I got older, I had the opportunity to see NYSNC on the Pop Odyssey tour and it was such a blast; I felt like 10yr old Priscilla finally had redemption. Take That stands out among the boy banders because they have been probably the most successful and credible. They never got quit that big in the US, but in the UK they were huge even after Robbie left.



Gin Blossoms
This is a band I made fun of in the 90s. There was nothing goth or punk about them so they were definitely on my shit list. As I've gotten older, some of my tastes have changed (or at least become less judgemental). After listening to New Miserable Experience a couple times, I realize Gin Blossoms had some gems. I also have a soft spot for them as a result of watching EMPIRE RECORDS too many times. I've also rediscovered Soul Asylum; the 90s were an interesting time for music and Winona Ryder.



Rick Springfield
Rick holds a special place in the hearts of many women over the age of 40. So how you ask, did I come to be completely enamored by Rick. My mom used to watch this cheesy prime time drama in which Rick played a detective by night and a surfer by day. The show didn't last very long, but Rick's charisma left a lasting impression on me. I further investigated his catalog and discovered some rocking tunes. I also love how he used his dog for most of his album covers.



Dashboard Confessional
Also, a band I made fun of in 2001. I once saw Chris open for some random hardcore band. He had a guitar and a stool. At the time, it seemed like the lamest thing but in hindsight I realize that actually took a lot of guts. To go from being in a pseudo-hardcore band to playing cheesy love songs on an acoustic guitar is something to commend. So the cheesy love songs grew on me and I became a fan. And if you talk during the set, I will punch you in the face. Just ask Yogi & Nicole.



Who are your not so guilty pleasures?

Desert Island Films

What if you were stuck on a deserted island for an indefinite amount of time? What would be the five movies you would bring with you? CASTAWAY & THE BEACH are automatically eliminated for obvious reasons. It's a pretty difficult decision to make. When I asked my friends their thoughts, some answered TRUE ROMANCE, GOONIES, COMMANDO, THE SHINING, GODFATHER II, GRINDHOUSE, THERE WILL BE BLOOD, NORTH BY NORTHWEST, KILL BILL, PULP FICTION, and ZOMBIE. A decent array of quality films right? Also, let's not forget the whole issue of porn flicks. Without further adieu, here are my top five desert island films.

CADDYSHACK
This is an obvious choice since it is my favorite movie of all time. I actually watch it 2-3 times a month. I watch it when I'm sad, sick, cleaning, and when I just need a good laugh. CADDYSHACK has one of the best ensemble casts ever that includes some of the funniest comedians of our time like Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, and the incredible Bill Murray. I watched this movie for the first time as a kid with my dad. He was a big golfer and I was in love with the gopher. It's funny to think about the lightly vulgar jokes I didn't quit understand as a little girl. "Someone step on a duck?"


THE EXORCIST
As a horror connoisseur, my choice from this genre would be very crucial. It would need to be something timeless, classic, intelligent, and truly frightening. THE EXORCIST embodies all these things. I've watched it a hundred times and could easily watch it a hundred more. Most recently, I was very excited to see THE LAST EXORCISM because I will pretty much watch anything that has Eli Roth's name attached to it. However, after watching it on opening day, I felt really let down. The film itself had great acting and directing but an ending that just fell short. It's impossible to make a movie about possession post EXORCIST; nothing will ever compare to such a masterpiece.



EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
There are two types of nerds in this world: the ones who like STAR TREK and the ones who like STAR WARS. I like STAR WARS. I believe everything you need to know in life is in the Holy Trilogy. Everything a person would need to learn about love, friendship, family, survival, patience, loyalty, right & wrong, and respect is right in these films. EMPIRE just happens to be the best one. We get to see different landscapes, Luke gets stronger, the droids get funnier, Han & Leia get closer, and most of all, we meet Boba Fett.



MULHOLLAND DR.
David Lynch is one of the best directors of our time. I would have to bring one of his films. MULHOLLAND DR. is such a versatile film. It's sexy, funny, smart, visually appealing, and at times frightening. If I were stuck on an island, I would have plenty of time to find all the clues and finally solve the puzzle. Added bonus is that it stars one of my favorite actors, Justin Theroux.



ALMOST FAMOUS
ALMOST FAMOUS is a film I can watch over and over. It's a great story with with some awesome one liners and a great cast. Most importantly, it has an amazing soundtrack. Most films have a music budget of around $1.5 million, this budget was nearly $3.5 million. One of my favorite things about this film are the subtle cameos. Can you spot them all?


Honorable Mention
INGLOUROUS BASTERDS
Being a big QT fan, it's extremely difficult to play favorites with his films. As an honorable mention, I would include BASTERDS because if I were on a deserted island, I would at least have an opportunity to learn several different languages. This film includes French, German, and Italian. It also has the handsome Bear Jew bashing heads with a baseball bat. How can you beat (pun intended) that?

mimicry

So I've been thinking about cover songs a lot lately. Why you ask? Seems like everyone is doing them these days (more than usual). A friend of mine absolutely LOVES cover songs, more so than the originals in many cases. Odd right? Apparently many people share this sentiment, especially younger people. Now that I think about it, when I was a kid I had no idea most of the songs Tiffany sang were covers. How was I supposed to know it was a Beatles song? They weren't on MTV! And the only thing I knew about Paul McCartney was that he did that one song with Michael Jackson where they had blackface. I also read a recent poll that declared Celine Dion's cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long" the worst cover of ALL time. I might be able to come up with worse....maybe

Anyhow, here's a compilation of some of MY favorite covers.

Hole-Gold Dust Woman (Fleetwood Mac)
I know you're thinking this is a bold statement and it is, but hear me out. There's a generation of women who all at one point wanted to be Stevie Nicks; Courtney Love is one of these women. Except she's a little more obsessive about it almost as much as she wanted to be Nancy Spungen. Say what you will about Courtney (we can all agree she's a complete lunatic), but there's something about her that just enthralls people. She's an enigma that might never be explained. Is she a really good musician? Did Kurt/Billy really write those songs? How is she still alive? The world may never know, but I do like this song.


The Clash- I Fought The Law (Sonny Curtis)
What can I say about The Clash that hasn't already been said? Yeah, the Sex Pistols created punk (at least the attitude), but The Clash created the soundtrack. They always paid tribute to other genres of music that influenced their style, for example reggae. However, covering an old 50s tune by Buddy Holly's back-up band was something most people would have never thought of. The lyrics are so universal and makes you think about the problems in the world existing a lot longer than we ever thought.


The Pixies- Head On (Jesus & Mary Chain)
For the most part, I knew who The Pixies were when I was very young. They had already became relatively know in the early 90s. In middle school, I used to stay up on Sunday nights to listen to the local alternative program on the radio. I often recorded it on a cassette tape. One night I heard The Pixies play Head On and the DJ mentioned JAMC. So I did a little digging and discovered one of my all time favorite bands.


Social Distortion- Under My Thumb (Rolling Stones)
In high school, most of my influences were punk bands. I had no idea who was influencing them, nor did I really care. To me The Rolling Stones were a bunch of old dudes. I had this image of Mick Jagger in the worst Miami Vice suit dancing around with David Bowie in that god awful video that shall remain nameless. Once I really listened to the lyrics of this song, I realized how compelling and bold it was. I eventually went back into The Stones' catalog and discovered some of the sexiest songs I have ever heard in my life.


New Order- Ceremony (Joy Division)
Yes, I know it's essentially the same band. Are you really the same band after your lead singer suddenly hangs himself? I feel like this was the song that New Order really had a chance to put the past behind them and move into a new direction. They're famous for not doing interviews and have never talked openly about Ian Curtis' suicide. I don't think they really need to, just listen to Ceremony.


Honorable Mention
Johnny Cash- Hurt (Nine Inch Nails)
This is a pretty intense song, only heightened by the haunting video. It's even harder to watch now that Johnny & June Cash are both dead. Makes you wonder what Johnny would be covering now if he were still around.

PS
I know Kenny would insist on including Placebo's cover of Boys Don't Cry (The Cure) in this list and I would, but it's technically not released on anything. We'll just continue to swoon over two of our favorite guys singing one great song together in this video.


What are your favorite cover songs?

All time scariest!

Some of you that know me are familiar with my affinity for horror films. I cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn't engrossed in the latest horror film. My obsession began when I was a child, as hobby I shared with my father. At an early age my father always told me I should never be afraid of anything. He assured me that ghosts & goblins were fiction and the real monsters were politicians. On the weekends, he and I would hit the local video store and seek out the most shocking, craziest, and disturbing video box we could find. The two of us would stay up 'til midnight watching movies and eating popcorn & candy. It was thrilling to know that we were kind of breaking the rules. I was well aware (even at the age of 7) that I should not be watching HELLRAISER II. We watched many classics as well, including: CARRIE, THE EXORCIST, FRIDAY THE 13TH, HALLOWEEN, ROSEMARY'S BABY, etc.

I continue the tradition my father and I started. These days I enjoy early 80s American slasher flicks, Asian horror (specifically Japanese & Korean), late 80s/early 90s Italian horror, and current extreme French horror films. However, for the most part I will give nearly anything a try. I feel it's safe to say I am not easily startled. I've seen films that could be considered torture porn (and I don't mean HOSTEL) as well as films that were banned in 30 different countries. I've watched everything from TRACES OF DEATH to IRREVERSIBLE and anything in between. Some of it was amazing and some was complete shit.

Knowing my fixation, I'm often asked what the scariest film is. In most lists I see, THE EXORCIST is often at the top. Don't get me wrong, it is a truly frightening piece of art, but for me it's not the scariest. I was far more fearful of the constant guilt I felt as a Catholic than I was ever fearful of possession. I think the most disturbing film I have ever seen is undoubtedly WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE. I recently noticed that a special screening of it was taking place at The Alamo. The sheer thought of witnessing it on the big screen sent chills up my spine.



For those unfamiliar, here is a synopsis from www.imdb.com:
"Two aging film actresses live as virtual recluses in an old Hollywood mansion. Jane Hudson, a successful child star, cares for her crippled sister Blanche, who's career in later years eclipsed that of Jane. Now the two live together, their relationship affected by simmering subconscious thoughts of mutual envy, hate and revenge."




Now just picture these two over-the-top characters portrayed by Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, two women who inflicted much terror in their own personal lives. Joan Crawford was synonymous with wire hangers and Bette Davis was capable of killing a man with the scrunch of her famous brows. It's also well known that these two women had a feud similar to Burr vs. Hamilton. What would possess these two heavyweights to make a film together? What else....money! Both aging actresses were no longer in their prime and realized they needed to capitalize on whatever they had left. The really frightening aspect of the film is that so much of it mirrored reality! The careers, the competition, the senility were all so real. My unease for this film also stems from an aversion to elderly people. I've seen WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE less than a handful of times because it gives me such anxiety, especially the rat scene. The psychologically twisted plot is completely mind bending. I cautiously recommend you viewing it at least once! So....what's your scariest film?

lost loves

People have such a strange relationship with food. So many of us relate a particular food to a certain event in our lives. And in most cases, it's usually happy times. Why is that? I often feel grief-stricken when something I really enjoy is discontinued. It's like closing the door on a specific point in my life. How many of you feel a little somber when you realize the McRib is gone, even though you know it will eventually be back? Who else misses Choco Tacos, Crunch Tators, or Puddin Pops? Here are my top 5 ALL TIME favorite and dearly missed food/beverage items:

5. Mr. Pibb
Now I'm talking about ORIGINAL Mr. Pibb, NOT Pibb Xtra! Some will argue that Pibb Xtra is the same as Original Pibb but they are mistaken. The way it burned your throat after that first sip has yet to be replicated. I remember drinking copious amounts of Mr. Pibb every time we went to Six Flags AstroWorld. Nothing quenched your thirst quite like it! I will still drink Pibb Xtra as a paltry substitute for the original, it's just not the same.



4. Crystal Clear Pepsi
Am I the only person who actually enjoyed Crystal Pepsi? I've never been a fan of Pepsi in general. To me, it tastes really flat and medicinal. It was so refreshing when Crystal Pepsi came out! There was a crisp, clean taste that I haven't found in any other soft drink. I can only compare it to Sprite, but better. Not many people remember the taste. They only remember the Van Halen song and the SNL gravy skit.


3. Morning Star Mini Corn Dogs
I've never really eaten pork, but I do love a tasty dog. Veggie dogs have been a staple in my diet since I can remember. Morning Star used to make these delicious bite size corn dogs that were straight from heaven. I could eat a whole box of them! I once had a Winona Ryder costume party and served these tasty treats as appetizers. They were such a hit and no one could tell they were not pork. I took it very hard when Morning Star discontinued the minis, but I took it even harder when they recently discontinued the regular dogs. What am I supposed to do? Oh, I'm well aware of Smart Dogs, but Smart Dogs taste like rubber! If I weren't so attached to their bacon, I would completely boycott Morning Star altogether for their rash decisions. Fortunately, I still have a savior in Hot Dog King. Anyone interested in enjoying the BEST veggie dog of all time can find it at a trailer on Red River between 7Th & 8Th St. They don't call him the Hot Dog King of Chicago for nothing!


2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies
Hostess made these pies when The Secret of The Ooze came out. They were similar to the cherry, apple, and chocolate gas station pies we're all familiar with. Only these pies were green! They had a green crust and the filling was a vanilla flavored green pudding. Essentially, the pies looked like something the girl from The Exorcist barfed up, but they were so delectable. The pies also came with a collectible sticker of various scenes in the film. I recall being envied by many kids because everyday I'd open my Ninja Turtle lunchbox to find a glorious pie inside. Just so you know, there's an online petition to bring these beloved pies back!



1. Sparks
It's hard to recall what life was like before Sparks. To sum it up in one word, I'd say "boring." Some of the best/worst decisions I've made in my life were the result of Sparks. We really had a good run together. Just when I thought SXSW couldn't get more ridiculously out of hand, then came Sparks. What a genius idea to combine caffeine and alcohol! And what an even better decision to combine that with vodka & cranberry juice to create the almighty Sparkle Berry (courtesy of Mike Sanchez former Emos bartender). Having an orange tongue was like a badge of honor. Wicked Celtics even wrote a love song to this amazing beverage. I can only compare the Sparkle Berry to drinking unicorns blood while sitting on a cloud inebriated. Why would something so enjoyable be ripped from our clutches? Oh, because asshole parents thought it appealed to kids. The only group of people Sparks appealed to or targeted were hipsters and lushes. Now supposedly, it's been revamped but it's not the same. It's like taking your girlfriend back after she's banged the whole football team. The era of Sparks will live on in infamy. I guess all good things must come to an end.